Moved into a new place, with Kim, beginning of the month. Can’t remember if I said anything about that. (I don’t journalize. Though sometimes I summarize. And frequently tangentialize. And make up words.) The bored one grows up. Or something like that. Nice place. Good location. Spacious. Quiet. Room for dinner parties. Maybe have the boss over some time. Oh, boy, I’m middle class. Wasn’t I supposed to be different? Make a difference? Change the world? Does anybody change the world? Does the world change? Does it ever stop changing? Do I ever stop asking rhetorical questions?
When you read this, you have to read slowly. Leave long pauses between sentences. Or you won’t hear what I’m saying. It’s true: I speak the words in my head as I write them. I’m an orator, a speech writer. The sound is important. The delivery is important. You have to hear the words. If you read them, and don’t hear, them, you won’t understand them. You will not discern the import amidst the vacuous.
I think that some people are born paying close attention, while others, though sure that they are focussed, are in fact oblivious to the important things: to what’s going on around them. To their surroundings. To their context.
Moreover, I’m sure that there are different kinds of people in the world. That is, there are different kinds of minds, even brains. That, perhaps, the brain, as a complex organ and information processing—nay, a signal processing—machine, is composed of different components, or sections, and that the relative dominance of these vary from person to person.
I’m not saying that people are fixed in who they are. I don’t buy into that. But there are limits of some kind to what we can become, based on the patterns we make in response to our experiences. People can change, but only within the boundaries of their ability to observe, to interpret, and to understand what goes on around them. If you can’t see in the dark, then you can’t avoid the chair placed in your path.
I’ve met perfectly good atheists who nevertheless believe in something or other that they’re too self-deceived to admit to themselves is God. Love. Family. Truth. Justice. Pleasure. They seek the holy, the sacrosanct, and the spiritually transcendent experience as avidly, as desperately, as any religious believer. They may mock the facts of faith held by others, but they have the same sacred cows. If you need it, you’ll find it, somewhere, in the pattern-making pathways of your brain. So, in that way, I think we’re all alike. It’s an indelible part of the human condition to seek an answer to a question. We just all phrase the question differently, and in large part, if not wholly, it is shaped to fit the unique character of our self. We all believe in something. And it’s all our own invention.
There’s a great DVD store near my new place. Within a good walk’s distance, just off Eglinton, West of Yonge Street. I spent an hour in there on Friday after work (at home), soaking in their exceptional collection. Movies are, to me, part of the answer to whatever the question is for me. Books and computers, too. And lots of things, but mostly, those things. I love the way that the questions posed by others come out of these things, through their answers—in the form of their actions. I love what they reveal, and the promise they offer of what more there is to learn. Understanding. Interpretation. Experience. First or second hand, in stories: in histories and fictions.
So many people. So many viewpoints. Not quite so many viewpoints as people, it seems sometimes. But then, how many people give their real point of view, honestly and transparently? That’s not exactly encouraged. Not amongst that species we know as the middle class. But every stereotype is the same: they all have their official line. They all have their list of goods and evils and their list of acceptable topics about which it’s allowed to argue. And everybody strays a bit, in their way. We conform, and we rebel; the pathways of our minds don’t all follow the ones agreed upon by the majority to be the right ones. And the majority view changes.
What’s right, what’s wrong; what’s good, what’s bad; what’s real, what’s imaginary; what’s true, what’s false; what’s sacred, what’s degenerate; what’s just; what’s unfair. No two people agree on everything. Why not? It’s like we’re this vast experiment, but the whole world’s the lab. It’s random, but it’s statistical. We choose, but we’re predictable, nine time out of ten with a five percent margin of error.
It’s just crazy.